After announcing last Saturday that I will no longer be teaching Nia after 17 years, I am filled with a so many thoughts and feelings about what it means to let go, and really trust a process. Last Monday, I attended my wonderful therapists process group that I have been a part of for years and I shared my working name for whatever is coming….Emerge. My therapist commented that this is about my own emerging. It is about me emerging from my family in new ways and my work in new ways and about me fully stepping into my confidence and path. Boom. Yes. My own emerging is the framework for this process of holding space for others to emerge.
The night this name was born I was with my dear friend Christy at the “Together” show with Glennon Doyle and other fabulous women. I bought these tickets on a whim when it came across my feed one day. What was the show about? Well, a lot of things really. But at it’s core, it was about truth telling. Boom, there it is…when we pay attention, it is all right there.
During intermission, I said out loud to my friends, “By the end of 2017 I will no longer be teaching Nia.” Just saying these words out loud was so affirming. Our language does in fact very much guide us. And then I went on to say that I needed a name for what was coming next – I don’t even know what that is. I know it is about me stepping into my own knowledge, wisdom, and confidence and offering my best gifts to the world in a really true and authentic way. The thing is that I have been doing this – through a thriving counseling practice and movement practice and often times, integrating the two. But this is about me really owning what I do and not using other peoples framework but trusting my own. I couldn’t even look my friend Jane in the eye when I told her my working name thus far. Turning my body away from her, I said quietly, “Soul Flow” and my friend Jane practically shouted “no no no. It’s just too out there.” We both busted up laughing and I nodded, “I know!” And then she said, “it seems like the word ’emerge’ keeps coming up for you”. Boom. Paying attention.
My mantra for year 2015 was “Let it emerge”. And then in May of that year, I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. That was not exactly what I was talking about but the universe works in mysterious ways. What I was talking about was how to let things happen, unfold, be spontaneous and allow space for spirit to emerge. I just felt like I needed space from all the scheduling, soccer games, playdates, and constant planning. Yes, this is a theme! And so on May 7, 2015 I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and guess what? I got space! I let go of my counseling practice and my Nia classes and even from parenting…because I had to. My healing from my double mastectomy was brutal and slow. Everything got quiet and slow – this is the space of healing. And when I started to emerge, I was really mindful about what I put back in place and how to choose mindfully. In fact, that became my practice – “just say no!” Many people work on saying yes, but my work is about saying no so that I can then say yes to what I really want and need.
I was on the fence then about re-engaging with Nia – it’s so refreshing to actually re-evaluate instead of just being in automatic mode. And in that re-evaluation place, there was a part of me that wanted to step away from Nia but also a part that couldn’t imagine not teaching and guiding students to more health and wholeness! Alas…this part won, and I stepping back into teaching in Jan., 2016. But that other part kept talking to me. It kept saying that there was something else, something more.
I often talk in both my clinical practice and in my movement practice about being in alignment. As I stepped into the Jewish New Year several weeks ago, the Rabbi framed it so well, “how close are you in this moment to the person you are at your core”. In my faith, this is the time of year to examine and reflect and I knew that it was time to listen to this other part that told me first I had to let go of Nia, and then I can see what will EMERGE! I am so grateful to continue my emerging alongside of each of you…